Sex Talk: Boys will always be boys 

I had an interesting conversation on email with a 50-year-old widow, who was wondering whether hot romance, that ‘butterflies in my stomach’, ‘I can’t sleep unless I hear from you’ love has an age limit.

She thought maybe it was time to get back into the dating game and see what else lies out there.

“I was recently at a 50-year bash where the birthday boy invited his gangos. After a few drinks, we let loose and started mixing and mingling and naturally got hit on by the boys. Many of my girlfriends are either single, widowed or celibate, by choice. So, when the big boys realised that we were not yielding to their advances, they resorted to throwing barbs, which were quite painful.

One comment they threw us was: ‘You mean you can afford to play hard to get at your age? You should be begging us for sex’!” she wrote (email shared with permission).

She left feeling deflated. Was she too old for romance? Should she simply be grateful someone was even showing vague interest?

“Bannange, some of us still believe in being kukwanad [wooed] properly, even if we are getting on in life. Some of us have sex with the mind and heart fully involved, as opposed to satisfying a physical need. Should we give up on finding the ‘Mills & Boon John Doe’? Or, most importantly, are our expectations still too high, no wonder we are still alone at 50?” she continued.

Well, like I told her, that must be the oldest trick in the men’s rule book on bagging the quarry!

“Batter her self-esteem and make her feel grateful for even the least of you attention, then swoop in for the kill,” it must read!

From the school compound right up to when we finally hang up our gloves, women will tell you of at least one boy who used a nasty attitude to eventually shoot his shot. The email reminded me of the cool boy in school that regularly sought me out to discuss “your prettier friend” and through me, to send her love notes, love song lyrics and cute little gifts, over a span of about a year.

Then his family moved to Europe during one of the school holidays, and he sent me a long letter when school resumed, confessing his undying love for me and how he had constantly sent me on the errands to make me jealous enough to go after him myself – well, I have never been good at recognising innuendo.

I remember looking at the letter (written in red ink, no less – our dotcom kids cannot relate, sadly) in shock. I never wrote back. Some of these boys turn into men and that is still the only way they know how to get the girl. No pickup lines, no grand gestures or proper wooing; just a cavalier attitude that sadly many women still fall for.

He will ridicule your age, your looks, your complexion, your big bosom, the way you walk – everything he secretly likes about you – just to knock you off your high pedestal. Then, and only then, will he move in to save the day and ‘help’ by taking you out.

If you are older, like my email friend, he will most likely even make you pay for all the dates, as you feel quite privileged to have him in your space and your bed.

“Having been treated like a queen by my late husband, I actually marvel at how callous the men get, when hitting on you,” she said.

Thing is, the hot romance and beautiful, respectful wooing can happen to a woman at any age, when the right man comes along, and I have seen lovely examples. Hold onto your self-esteem and know your worth.

For, it is these self-esteem batterers that also physically abuse their girlfriends and later wives, because they have succeeded in convincing them that they are doing them a favour by being with them at all.

Don’t settle for someone who, instead of stepping up his game to reach you on your carefully-constructed dais, would rather yank you down to his level or lower, first.

caronakazibwe@gmail.com