Sex Talk: How to break in your new, faux look 

Some people are already packing for Christmas getaways and the contents of their suitcases are as interesting as they are hilarious.

Gone are the days when it was just about getting the family new clothes ahead of the festive season; now, creative couples wishing to spice up things are buying fake buttocks to introduce wide hips and ample backsides to their lean bodies, fake hair to cover baldness, corsettes and body shapers to deliver the waistline of her dreams, fake abs to cover the actual one-pack with a six-pack, name it.

Chances are, you will get to the bedroom in Ntungamo or Mbale to find a new-look madam or sir looking nothing like the one you married, but just go with the flow! It is Christmas, after all. I always imagine what the scenes in the bedroom must be like, when one turns up with fake buttocks or abs, and when it is ‘kick-off time’ one sheds the ‘jersey’ and lo behold, it was all but a mirage.

The scenes in my imagination often leave me giggling, but today I want to treat this seriously. Because everyone has their insecurity, doing certain things makes one feel slightly better about themselves and their bodies and improves sex lives by extension; so, most respectfully, to each their own.

But here is a free tip on how to introduce a new look this Christmas season and get away with it. Not only get away with it, in fact, but greatly benefit from it. If you handle this well, it could even be the game changer you needed for your now-exhausting, now-boring sex life.

Get into character and turn up as Beyonce, or whoever it may be in your spouse’s fantasies. Turn up as a strong, buff executive or bouncer, with your fake abs on display under a tight-fitting shirt. Pull out all the acting lessons and talent you can summon, and put on one heck of a show, and you will see, the results shall be the same, only better.

If in your normal life you hardly play the seductress, this time turn the heat on by working that fake backside and boobs to your advantage, by unleashing your naughty, high-heeled alter-ego, teasing, twerking, whatever it takes to get a flicker.

Turn up behaving very much like a man with a ripped body that matches his power and take-charge attitude – never mind that it is only for purposes of scoring on that night/day. Order her around (sexily, please). Drawl and prolong foreplay by including it appropriately in your role-play.

Let her play with your fake beard and appreciate how ripped you suddenly are…(chuckle, chuckle). Let me tell you, by the time you shed your appropriate costume along with the fake everything you had worn, none shall be the wiser about the body they actually end up making love to.

That is the beauty of role-playing. It sets the mood, it gets your spouse to a point of no return, and by the time you resort to factory settings, they will be too far gone to notice or care.

What kills these fake things you love to wear is removing them as abruptly as you wore them, and some people fail to recover from the shock of that transformation. In fact, it makes you look like a conman/woman.

Be it your honeymoon or the looming festive season and you just want to bring the spark back after several anniversaries, wearing fake body parts can work if used with wisdom, just like sex toys.

caronakazibwe@gmail.com