Sex Talk: Here is how to measure your game

I read on Reddit a wife asking her fellow social media users how best to broach the subject of her husband getting another wife or mistress, because she felt he was too demanding in his sexual needs – sex every weekend, she said.

Every weekend? Really? And she was tired of him and would rather be left alone. Well, male readers often ask me how they can know whether they are doing a good job in bed or not; how they can tell that their wives are faking the orgasms or seeing any actual pink elephants.

I will say it again; no wife who experiences the true ecstasy and ‘little death’ during sex will pass up an opportunity to make love to her husband. That is the basic. If your wife comes up with excuse after excuse not to have sex, yet mysteriously seems to ‘reach orgasm’ every time your haggling is successful, then be careful before chest-thumping.

I could be wrong, but chances are, you have a well-trained wife, who was taught that her enjoyment is not important; her husband’s ego and needs are paramount. So, she turns up.

She does what is expected of her. At the count of 30, she unleashes some dramatic screams and moans and gets over with it. After the 10th anniversary or thereabouts, the screams and moans turn into grunts, negotiations and interrogations as you work away…

And like all the other times, she wonders what the fuss is, about this thing called sex [eye-roll emoji]. But if your wife often even seduces you or initiates the sex and expresses frustration at being sexually ignored for days on end, then yes, boss; that woman is not faking it.

You are doing something right in that department. I am not talking about the quantity of sex in your marriage, but the quality you bring to your game. A well-loved, sexually-contented wife will stand by her man even in the most ridiculous of circumstances – when the rest of the world is ruling in favour of a divorce.

Because of how rare those mindful/skilled/generous lovers are (sadly, many of them are the so-called ‘bad boys’), there is a growing epidemic of sexual unhappiness among married women. Wives who seem to have struck gold when it comes to the reputation, family background, wealth of their husbands, but are terribly frustrated and resentful when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder, according to sex therapists, is the most common sexual dysfunction among women. This is a next-to-zero libido; a woman’s total loss of desire for sex, due to past traumas such as rape, or due to sexual ineptness in her marriage – and not knowing better – that have caused her to become disgusted with even the idea of being intimate.

And just like this ‘switch’ is most likely turned off by a man, it is also most effectively turned back on by a skillful, mindful lover; someone who knows how to stoke the fire; someone who knows how to strum the guitar…

No one can put on a show in bed for 10 years and stand up to be counted among those who love and enjoy sex. For one’s wife to claim that sex every weekend is too much and she, therefore, needs an assistant, is laughable and very telling about her husband’s inadequacies.

Which brings me to the other point. Do not be proud of the fact that your wife/wives are very much in support of widening the ‘sister-wives club’.

It is indirectly telling you, “whew, genda wefulukutireko eri! (give me a break and go and fumble elsewhere)”. It is not a vote of confidence in your abundant skill that needs to be spread, sir.

Otherwise, where the skill is unquestionable, the choice to take another wife or mistress should be akin to World War III, because no well-loved wife wants to ration her ecstasy in order to include others.

The wife I usually reference in this column, who divorced her husband a day after their sexually disastrous wedding night, was the fourth wife to her rich haji, with the full, enthusiastic support of her three co-wives. Go figure.

caronakazibwe@gmail.com