Sex talk: Happy wife, happy life

I have seen an interesting conversation on social media.

A tweep from Nigeria asked how he can tell whether he has sexually satisfied his wife. The answers were two-pronged. On one hand, men answering with all sorts of things from how her legs will tremble, to one who said when digging a well, don’t stop until you see water.

Another said she will hardly be able to walk the following day. Eye-roll!

On the other hand, the female respondents were more like, “Don’t bother; we fake it”. While several other women replied: “I will be in the comment section”, clearly anticipating the funny, off-point answers.

I hate to break it to you that she may scream, trash the room and even shake her legs for special effect, but still be faking it a hundred per cent. If it is ‘water’ you want to see before you stop the pointless, tiring drill, she may also pee for good measure just to get you to walk away satisfyingly proud of your endeavours.

Am I saying there is absolutely no way to know one has genuinely pleasured one’s wife? Of course it is possible. For women that get vaginal orgasms (those are the ones that happen during intercourse/penetration), the reflex spasming of your wife’s vaginal walls/muscles cannot be faked.

This is also reportedly an intensely pleasurable experience for the men; so, if you needed more inspiration to try and be more sexually generous to your wife, there! You get to gain from it.

For women that get clitoral orgasms, there may not be an obvious, ‘unfakable’ way to know she has enjoyed your ministrations to a climax, unless you ask and she answers honestly.

In this part of the world, however, many women have been groomed to put their husbands’ egos and feelings first; so, unfortunately she can lie to you for years, just to keep the harmony. But if you have a good communication dynamic going in your marriage, she should be able to tell you; “Bruh, today oba what happened, mukwano…!”

Or, she will give you the classic line many women use to soothe egos after a dismal performance: “Don’t worry, it happens to every man; it is not a big deal”.

That is the line Rachel Green infamously debunked in the sitcom Friends, when she screamed at ex-boyfriend Ross Geller: “It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!”

Now, if your wife is satisfied and also a good communicator, she will tell you. All the time. In different ways. With naughty gestures. In fact, one wife made my day when she told me she is in the habit of tipping her husband for a ‘job well done’.

And you still ask: “naye, who eats women’s money?” There is your answer. But above all, a woman whose husband sexually satisfies her will genuinely love making love with him. She will initiate the sex. She will not have to be asked twice. She will not be chased around for sex.

She will throw tantrums when it is withheld from her. No one force-feeds a child a dish it really loves. Even when it comes to submission and the debate surrounding it lately, a sexually satisfied wife will do ‘crazily absurd’ things for her husband and bend over backwards to please him, regardless what everyone around her says.

When they say, ‘happy wife, happy life’, I don’t know what goes through your minds, gentlemen; but, it has a lot to do with her sexual satisfaction, which will automatically loop you in. If only you could nail that; you will enjoy your marriage immensely.

caronakazibwe@gmail.com