Sex Talk: Affairs happen; now what?

According to a study reportedly conducted for the book The Day America Told The Truth by James Patterson and Peter Kim, 37 per cent of married people admitted to having had secret sexual affairs.

Now, that is America, where infidelity in a marriage is strongly frowned upon and is an expensive ground for a swift divorce.

Yet it still happens. I remember the amount of pressure America piled on then First Lady Hillary Clinton, when the Monica Lewinsky scandal first broke; people were appalled that she was staying married to President Bill Clinton and that she chose to forgive him.

In Africa, we quite honestly could not understand what the fuss was all about. Our political leaders must have chuckled and rolled their eyes at the developments…

Here, infidelity is up there with corruption when it comes to moral vices we have sadly accepted as part of our social fabric.

In fact, if a similar study were to be conducted among African or Ugandan married couples, the results would shock the world. So, assuming your spouse cheated and you, like Hillary Clinton, don’t feel like throwing away the entire marriage, what should you do?

One wife once told me that her mother advised her never to talk about the concubine, in case one ever invaded her marriage, because talking about her would be inviting her into their sacred union. Sounds like good advice, but that kind of approach festers the wound; one day everything can come to a head and you hurt someone’s adult son real bad.

Talk about it. Even when you have no intentions of staying.

“Do not leave any relationship until you have at least expressed all your feelings about the matter and heard all that your [spouse] has to say. If you leave a situation at the height of emotion, you will most certainly carry with you a lot of unresolved issues,” Suzie Heumann and Dr Susan Campbell advise in their Everything Great Sex Book.

“Such emotional baggage will follow you into your next relationship, or prevent you from engaging in future relationships at all.”

Haven’t you met obsessively suspicious spouses? One husband would beat his now ex-wife to pulp, for attracting men’s admiring looks when they went out in public.

Someone cheated on such people in the past and they did not resolve that before moving to a new relationship. So, talk. Especially if your decision is to stay and give your marriage another shot.

What happens more are spouses that stay, but hold the infidelity over their partner’s head as a punishment for eternity. Choosing to stay means forgiveness, however long it may take you. But once you choose that path, actively work towards making it work; seek professional help and counselling, if need be.

Don’t choose to stay, but then drag the third party into the mix every time you make love with your spouse: “So, was he also this good? huh?” “Tell me, did she also do this to you?” “He or I, who is bigger?” “So, is this the safari lodge you brought her to?”

Trust me, the last thing you need is invoking images of your spouse’s former mistress/boyfriend during sex; it can have disastrous effects that include, but are not limited to, yearning for a revisit.

Heumann and Campbell argue that often an affair is a wake-up call for a marriage – a signal that someone’s needs in a marriage are not being met.

Ummmm, I don’t know about that. In these parts of the world, cheating in a marriage seems to be a hobby for some, whether their sexual needs at home are met or not.

But still, have that candid talk instead of sweeping things under a rug. Maybe the said ‘unmet needs’ are not even sexual…
Talk about it and determine the cause, whether there are likely to be other incidents and just how much you are willing to put up with, or what your breaking point is.

If your decision is to stay, make every effort to move past the hurt and make the marriage work; if your choice is
to leave, do it with your full chest, convinced you decided with a clear conscience.

carol@observer.ug