Sex Talk: A hearty welcome back to sanity 

Now that the conservatives have taken the White House again in the USA, hopefully some core values will be back on the table without unnecessary embarrassment.

Seeing how much Africa and indeed Uganda likes to ridiculously copy everything the West does – good or bad – it is my hope that virtues such as chastity, marriage and family trickle back to us. I am tired of hearing people talk about 20-year-old virgins as though they have a dangerous disease, just because they are not into casual sex like everyone else.

I mourn when I see 28-year-old virgins fight to have their ‘cherry popped’ by hook or crook and by whomever is willing to pop it, just so they can fit in with the ‘hip’ crowd. But then several years ago, the current LOP Joel Ssenyonyi – then 32 – made it clear he was saving all the sex for marriage, and a renewed hope surged inside me. All was not lost.

So, for the virgin bride/groom, this is for you:

DON’T BE PRESSURED INTO WEDDING-NIGHT SEX

You both waited this long; one more night will definitely not kill you. I heard a wife advise a soon-to-be bride during a bridal shower, that wedding-night sex is overrated.

After all the wedding festivities and streses, you will most likely be tired with aching feet, and both of you may need a good night’s sleep more than any prancing pink elephants. There is no law that says you must consummate the marriage straight away.

Any discomfort and performance anxiety associated with losing one’s virginity can easily be exaggerated by fatigue and being still high-strung from all the wedding festivities. Get rid of the soreness your body suffers due to wedding stresses, and prepare it for more pleasant soreness.

EASE INTO IT

When you are finally ready to step into the room and meet the lovely pink elephants, ease into the sex gradually – hoping your spouse is the patient and generous kind in bed. You can cuddle, kiss, explore each other’s bodies and take your time on foreplay, until you feel absolutely ready to take the plunge.

For many women, lovemaking is forever ruined by that first encounter. Depending on how it was handled, events from that episode alone can dictate how your wife views and responds to sex for the rest of the marriage. So, like a connoisseur trying to sell a revered club’s life membership, make this first-time count. Leave behind lasting impressions, not PTSD.

G-STRINGS ARE OVERRATED

I see at bridal showers everyone unpacking those catapult-like contraptions for the bride-to-be to carry with her for the hot sex ahead. But quite honestly, as an African woman with African ‘assets’, those things can be a piece of purgatory to walk around in!

Be comfortable but sexy. Focusing more on the fabric (yes to lace and cottons) and design (naughty but comfy) makes more sense than entangling yourself in infection-inducing strings.

MAKE A RITUAL OF IT

And oh, you are one of the lucky few that make it to the starting line of the marriage race as a virgin. Make it count. You can even make a private ritual of it!

Pray and dedicate your ‘launch’ in a special way and declare to the heavens that oh, you intend to enjoy the sex in your marriage immensely, and to perfectly satisfy your spouse from this day forward. So, help you God!

Let all the pink and polka-dotted elephants waiting for you know that you have arrived. No harm in that.

GO WITH THE FLOW

As for the rest of the details and technicalities of lovemaking? There are none. At least none that are etched in stone for all couples.

Couples set their own dynamics and preferences in bed. Spouses respond to what the other spouse is doing, how. Don’t start off your marriage with fake theatrics and being quite the show(wo)man; a guitar’s sound depends very much on the skill of the strummer. It will all eventually come together; worry not.

caronakazibwe@gmail.com