Sex Talk: There is no need for stonewalling

Many years ago, a staunchly Muslim colleague amused me, because I had never heard or imagined her discuss the topic sex in public.

But as a debate raged in the newsroom about stonewalling in a marriage – call it issuing a sex ban – this woman spoke up, asking why such people get married, then.

I will never forget her words: “There is nothing else that I can’t get from my father’s house, except sex! So, why would I leave my parents’ home for this one thing and then get to the marriage and start being begged for sex?”

She shut the debate down with class. So, this thing about stonewalling, what exactly is your problem? Why have you turned the sex in your marriage into a haggling issue, a bargaining chip, part of this country’s endangered species that are rarely seen?

More and more married people are bringing excuses to the bedroom, sharing the marital bed (mbu, for the sake of our children) but refusing to share the reason that special bedroom exists in the first place. When you are no longer intimate, what you have is not really a marriage, unless there are underlying health issues that make lovemaking next to impossible.

But if you have just decided – like I have heard one wife declare – that enough sex has been had to last you the rest of that marriage in celibacy, then you, my friend, are playing with fire.

And I will ask you, like I asked her, does that mean that you are okay with your spouse finding sexual healing elsewhere? I was left puzzled by the murderous eye she gave me when I asked that; she had not considered that in the general scheme of her plan, which, by the way, was already in implementation phase.

That question helped her reconsider her position and initially start availing herself like the proverbial sacrificial lamb, but gradually rediscovered the joy and ecstasy of an ‘action-packed’ marriage.

If it is not illness or a sexual dysfunction, you have no reason to lock your spouse out. Even when you feel the spark is gone – something or a mistake killed all the joy of making love with your spouse – as long as you woke up one day and decided to stay married, let the sex resume too.

You cannot say, “I will stay strictly for my children’s sake”, then continue crawling into your marital bed with no intention of staying married beyond pulling that separate duvet over your head and being on standby with a lethal elbow should your spouse dare extend a seductive gesture.

When married people take long without enjoying each other, it shows on their faces! We can take one look at you and know. Do not bother coining stories about your marriage to relatives, friends and social media… something shows you are not really happy.

There is a light that goes out in your eyes and can only be switched on by gooood loving. That pent-up steam is soon unpleasantly unleashed on the maid, your subordinates at work, the boda boda guy and even the children you claim to be protecting by staying in a sexless marriage.

Work on the marriage. Having sex and making sure it is sensible sex, is not a favour to your spouse; it is good for you too. In these harsh economic times, spouses that are getting ‘some’ at home and getting it good, are in better mental and physical health to face the storm, I bet!

So, don’t be that person, either, whose libido fluctuates in tandem with his/her bank statement. You have no idea the contribution great sex at home brings to lucrative ideas!

caronakazibwe@gmail.com