Sex Talk: No more blind flying

Time is of the essence; if you can spare it by making life easier for your spouse in the lovemaking department, please do.

After years of your spouse researching and searching for what truly turns you on to no avail, maybe a list and manual could hasten things along?

The whole spontaneity and discovery thing is good and sexy, but I will also be the first to admit; it is not for everyone. Some of us may need practical stuff, such as body maps, lists and voiced directions on what we really want during lovemaking, as opposed to leaving fate in a clueless spouse’s hands.

This may not sound as thrilling at first, but it just may save you years of fumbling in the dark and doing what you think everyone else must be doing in bed, even when it invokes zero feels and chills for you.

So many wives would not be reduced to faking orgasms during sex to fan their husbands’ egos, if they knew exactly what it was they wanted and gave clear directions on that. Even sex therapists and sexuality scholars say timetabling and providing a user manual for your body, are not necessarily a bad idea.

“Make a short list of items you know increase your desire and libido. Share this list with your [spouse] and ask him or her to do the same,” Suzie Heumann and Dr Susan Campbell advise in their The Everything Great Sex Book.

These things could be foods, lighting, music, weather, erogenous body parts, sex positions, destinations, scents, words, what time of the day/night finds you most in- tune, name it…

Why are you letting that poor man lick your unclean toes every single time he considers foreplay, when you know it is the back of your knees that need the attention? You should tell him; aren’t you tired of faking it? Give yourself an anniversary present by providing a detailed list of what turns you on and what is a true waste of precious time.

Think of it as a detailed user manual that will save both of you time and embarrassment. It is everyone’s desire, I imagine, to marry someone who is so in sync with their needs and chemistry that no words or directions are ever needed. Sadly, that is not the case for many couples.

The more you try to force that effortless chemistry to exist, the deeper you will sink into a world of faking it and playing for the gallery, where no one is really clapping.

So, draw a timetable for your intimate meetings. It may feel awkward and unromantic in the beginning; but with time, you will find yourselves looking forward to “our days” and even elaborately planning for the sex and how to make the day special. They say, foreplay should start in the morning and build up right until the time you are reunited.

This is best achieved if your sex life is timetabled; so, don’t be made to feel bad about your not-so-spontaneous lovemaking. You have no idea how many couples wait for the spontaneity to hit and it simply never does! At least you are committed to this.

I have read about a British couple that follows a timetable for lovemaking and it has become their marriage’s lifeline; they follow it very strictly and do not allow for rescheduling or interference from other equally-programmed areas of their lives. So, don’t shy away from questions such as: ‘What turns you on?’ ‘Which days are conducive for you to…get down?’ ‘Do you like it when I do this?’

caronakazibwe@gmail.com