Sex Talk: Is your home a sanctuary?

“Please, please, please talk about this. Some people are just not homemakers and they don’t realise how much that affects the sex,” the email started.

“I am a very neat man, almost OCD in my bachelor days, but then I married and now have two teenagers. My wife is my opposite. Short of
me becoming a domestic slave in my home doing all the cooking and cleaning, I can never get a moment of tranquility and comfort at home.”

He continued in graphic detail to describe how his wife knows only one thing: doing the laundry, a chore they often share, since they have no washing machine.

“Even then, she will leave several heaps of washed clothes scattered all over the living room, until I can’t take it anymore.”

Now, like many married Ugandan men – as I have been made to understand! – this husband has rented a ‘man cave’ behind his wife’s back, where he retreats for sanity.

“As far as she is concerned, when I am not at home, I am away for business, but actually, I have this place where I retreat to just…breathe. How can a married man be in a home that is never cleaned, the food is always bought as takeaway and basics such as clean linens and dishes are not guaranteed? Even our daughters are like their mother!” the frustrated husband said.

You may ask, why doesn’t he just cook, clean, scrub, change the bedsheets, etc, for harmony’s sake? He says he did that for some years into the marriage and it yielded nothing but resentment on his part, since he is also the sole breadwinner; “why then, did I need to be married?”

He said she is against having any house help, possibly for insecurity reasons. But how does she monitor what else happens at that apartment she even knows nothing about!

Which brings me to the question: is your home a sanctuary? Does your spouse look forward to coming home after a long day away? Do you cook, clean and everything, but quarrel and find fault until all the peace flees out the windows?

I spent Eid El Fitr with my married friends and I always love how cozy and intimate their home is (no worries, I threatened them upfront that I would write about them).

It is a place you can look forward to retreating to after the world has slapped you back and forth. And trust me, atmosphere has a lot to do with the quality and quantity of sex a couple has; my Eid plug, isn’t it true? I know you read the column.

Some couples deal with their bodily appearance, and look like a rose flower in a thorny, untended bush once in their element; it becomes hard to pluck that rose. Now, if you are going to run up and down the corridor screaming “women emancipation, halloo!” and how “men too should learn how to make their houses more homely”, good luck girlfriend.

I am all for girl power and equity, but I am also very realistic. Pull your head out of the sand long enough to put your house in order and make it inviting, sexy, relaxing and welcoming.

Women are more gifted when it comes to these small details that leave an indelible mark on people – be it a guest or spouse. Just saying.

You slapping on the lipstick and squeezing into that pencil skirt and six-inch stilettos when you live in an absolute pigsty will cost you on the home front, eventually.

If you can no longer do it on your own, hire some help; but by all means, make sure your spouse and children look forward to coming home.

carol@observer.ug