An ardent reader of this column, Clemence Nsinikweli, felt I was blaming men for all the women’s sexual troubles, saying, possibly because I am a woman myself.
Well, I challenged him to write this week’s column with his alternative opinion, and he delivered: I landed on a joke on social media. During a family reconciliation gathering, the wife submitted that she was having marital troubles because her husband was useless in bed.
Her younger sister sprung up and shouted: “That is not true!” – shocking the audience. Clearly, the younger sister had had a great time with her brother-in-law!
From this unintended confession, it was also clear the wife was the poor sexual partner, who did not know her role in this erotic exercise. The female orgasm and pleasure gap between men and women is a complex issue influenced by biological, psychological and sociocultural factors.
We are all pleasure-hunters. The ecstasy and thrill we get when we finally nail our prey is both individual and indescribable. And that is orgasm. Truth is no one is as interested in your pleasure as you are; so, if you don’t anticipate orgasm, no one is going to give it to you.
The ability for women to orgasm is impacted by factors like clitoral stimulation, foreplay, communication with partners and women’s own comfort with and knowledge of their bodies.
Societal norms, gender roles and lack of sex education also play a role in women suppressing their own sexual needs and pleasure. Fundamentally, both women and men can experience sexual pleasure and orgasm through penetrative sex.
Yet the dominant discussion is that men have failed women in bed. That men are selfish and macho! Some women appear as if they never have sexual urges. Why do women feel it is the duty of men to give them orgasms? Is sex for procreation, and not recreational? Why have some women given up and do it for men even if it is meaningless?
Can you give what you don’t have? Who gives the orgasm? Why don’t women surrender to their wild urges? Is the belief system to blame? Do we go into sexual intercourse unconsciously?
Many girls, when they get married, don’t focus on the erotica of sex, but on procreation. We have communities that dismember the most pleasurable part of the female organ, for fear that their women will tap into their wild urges. Then we have the Christian girls who look at sex beyond procreation as dirty, wild and offensive to God.
This is an inhibition. These ones often distract themselves by claiming to be tired, stressed or busy with children and kitchen chores. These are the types who often claim they are not in the mood for sex.
The first thing that would return pleasure to the bedrooms is to demystify the belief that sex is for procreation only. Often, we hear some women claim that they want their men to last for 40 minutes in penetrative intercourse! Truth is, an orgasm-thirsty woman only needs six seconds to hit the orgasmic summit. It is even shorter for men.
So, if there is communication between partners about the erogenous zones to target, there is no need to thrust up to infinity. Strangely, many women don’t know their bodies. How many have ever looked at their genitals or even ever cared to know the pleasurable points thereof?
Women need to unlearn, relearn and learn about the vagina in order to enjoy this wonderful gift of pleasure. Are you even surprised it is a man who discovered the G-spot? Sex is not only for a man; women too need it for longevity, glow, and to release negative energy.
We are in trouble in our bedrooms because we are working at cross purposes. Men want to explore their wild urges, while women limit their vaginas to procreation. Certainly, with such conflict of intent, there is bound to be disharmony.
We pride in possessing a guitar but forget to fine-tune it yet when we strum it, we miraculously expect to produce a melody. How is that possible?
Procreation desensitizes us. Let us not lock ourselves in cages; we need to surrender to our wild urges. There! Do you folks agree with Clemence?
caronakazibwe@gmail.com
Source: The Observer
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