Girls from good, solid marriages are known to seek out men that remind them about their fathers, or men who bear as strong a resemblance as possible to their biological dads.
That is when you know, that old man did something right in loving his wife and showing his offspring that a love like that can exist elsewhere.
Do the girls’ formula always work? Not necessarily, but at least growing up witnessing a good, loving relationship between parents inspired them enough to believe in marriage. I was talking to a young man recently, whose parents fight like rabid dogs every chance they get, and some of his earliest memories are of his rather loud mother abusing and emasculating their father.
So, the topic of marriage and starting a family came up and he assured me: “I do not plan on ever marrying or bringing a child into this world.”
He has turned himself into a heartbreak machine of sorts, given his amazing looks and sporty background.
“When I see a girl I am dating becoming too attached to me or with telltale signs of falling in love, I dump her,” he said.
The latest dumping was delivered via WhatsApp, and while he is not proud of himself, he claims he is sparing them certain, future heartbreak. What the long line of heartbroken girls don’t know is that the only thing he associates with marriage is pain, with chances of scattered good sex.
“My parents on the rare days they were not bickering and calling each other names, seemed to have good sexual chemistry, but that only lasted until the next big fight. One day, we the children called for a family meeting and asked them to consider separation, because it was damaging us too,” he shared.
The parents now live apart, but he later realized that the damage was already done. What are you exposing your children to, when you put up with abuse and all these nasty things in your marriage?
We have an abusive neighbour that regularly beats his wife and chases her around their compound in the night, beating her as the older children try to separate them. We have called the LC and even police on him, but when he is arrested, the wife fights tooth and nail to have him freed, and then insults whoever dared to butt their noses into her marriage.
What is now disturbing is that the eldest son, who has always played lead referee during his parents’ fights, is courting someone’s daughter but is equally violent, if not worse. I have seen daughters meekly stomach husbands’ horrible behaviours just because their mothers persevered too.
One such woman recently testified at a city church that her husband and father to her ten children had always been violent and a bad person by all accounts, but all she knew growing up was that “abakazi baguma” (wives tough it out).
Then one day in a particularly violent rage, the husband chopped off both her hands and killed three of their children! True story. If you had no other motivation for improving yourself and your marriage, let your children motivate you. Do you want the kind of marriage you have for them? Start there.
Every marriage has disagreements, but spare your children as much as possible the ugliness, and seek professional help, if need be. As you beat your wife and/or use sex as a weapon, remember that your beautiful daughter is learning from the best that such treatment from a future husband is acceptable.
Interestingly, many African parents have a problem with even the mildest form of PDA (public display of affection) but have no limits when it comes to public display of their wrath.
It explains a lot about the state of young people’s marriages currently, and the future of the institution in general.
caronakazibwe@gmail.com
Source: The Observer
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